The Life and Times of Steve, pt. I

In the middle of the summer I noticed a little creature built a home above my front door. I wish I had the energy to build my own home. It is instinct for this eight legged, multi-eyed, arachnid to find a shady spot and build a silky web of death for his prey. But why must they always find my door?

As I would leave for work I would look up into the top right corner of the area just above my door jam as I was locking my door. I would never see my little friend in the mornings but when I returned from a long day of work and play I would see that he was back in his corner no doubt full from his daily hunt.

I profess I am not afraid of much, not even death (I know exactly where I’m going), but spiders, I can’t do them. No, really. I’ve looked at Camel Spiders with the utmost awe. I’ve regarded scorpions in captivity and remarked how amazing they are. Put me in a room with a spider and I can’t handle it. Even little, tiny, baby spiders…nope.

At the end of August the family was over to help process through a stressful family event (we’re Sabo’s, we live, learn, and through group therapy move on). My sister and her husband stayed behind to do some laundry. I told them that the spider needed to go. With her bravery, my sister found a piece of my fridge to flatten the little guy. She did just that. She came in from her homicide and told me that he was gone and his home was destroyed. He even crumpled into a ball of spider death. I breathed a sigh of relief.

The next day I left for church. As is my now habit, I looked up. No spider.

Coming back from my meetings I looked up, as is now my habit and he was back. Wah? I called my sister to relay the bad news. Her hit didn’t go as planned and the spider was back with a vengeance. Well, I don’t think he was vengeful. He was just homeless for a day or so. I even watched his process of creating his new home. Now that’s as cool as a Camel Spider but the problem is that it was a real spider making his home above mine…again.

Today while walking back to my apartment after the regional broadcast I commented to Dan the Mechanical Engineering Major at the University of Utah how easy my high school physics class was because every problem was done on an icy, frictionless surface. Dare to dream, he told me. This inspired him to tell me that that air is a fluid. He said something in Science and I asked him to translate it into English. He did so and I almost grasped the concept of a gas being a fluid. I’ll have to ask him again.

I digress and how much do I love the Silversun Pickups?

As I was going out to my brother’s house to pick up my new computer (yeah, it’s totally rad) I thought of giving the spider a name. Steve was born. This made my next decision even harder. I knew I needed to get rid of Steve but once you name something it becomes a part of you. I also knew I needed to get rid of Steve because he was getting bigger. Yeah.

My mind flashed to that scene in Arachnophobia where Jeff Daniels is trying to get out of his house but there are like a billion spiders hanging from the ceiling. I know it’s a comedy but it scared the hell out of me. Anyway. I had this dream the other night about Steve building a superweb trapping me in my apartment and the Chinese food delivery guy couldn’t get me my food because Steve was holding me hostage for flies and bugs but I couldn’t do anything in my apartment for Steve so I tried negotiating with him but he wasn’t listening. This is how much this damn spider has been on my mind (or at least in my subconscious). I only dream of things, events, or people I think about a lot.

I told my mom and my brother that I named Steve and that I needed to kill him. I grabbed a can of Hot Shot (a much better smelling Raid) and with my computer I headed home creating a plan of attack for the demise of Steve.